Don't ever watch people at MELUS try to dance.

Trust me on this one. It is worse than anything Elaine on Seinfeld could even attempt. That is all.

"Hope you found some people to party with." - Little E

Not a fucking chance. I am stuck in Boca Raton with the mom squad. What a freaking drag my fellow graduates turned out to be. Last night we went to a college bar named O'Connell's which was pretty cool except for one fact: I was the only one of our group drinking/having fun. I also had to hear everytime I chatted with a girl, "Don't forget you have a fiancee." Do you even realize how insulting/irritating that is? On a scale of 1 to 10 it is a 9,000,000,000.

It is really that bad. It is insulting on two levels because first, I have no intention of cheating, and I am merely trying to meet people. It just happened to be a group of like nine girls standing next to us last night, and that was who I was chatting with. Secondly, Shut the fuck up because it is really none of your business what I do. I don't know any of the people I am here with well enough to let them advise me as to how to conduct myself while on vacation. Most of all, I am NEVER interested in a freaking lecture/sermon. Why do people feel the need to tell you that you can "have fun without alcohol" or "we don't have to go to a bar to have fun." I know this but usually all the fun people are at the bar. I want to kick it with fun people, not people who sit around and stare at people because they don't understand how drinking, and flirting could be a lot of fun. Not that I was flirting mind you...

I think I am going to brave the scene on my own tonight. Nothing like galavanting around town by yourself to make you find some drinking buddies. At least that way I won't have to worry about baby sitting, or someone thinking they need to baby sit me. It is a sad state of affairs my friend when the funnest person you are on vacation with is a cat that drinks one beer and feels "wasted" (Those are his own words by the way. No really, I couldn't make that shit up....stop looking at me like that I am not lying. Really, one twelve ounce draft and he said he was "wasted." Tragic. For me anyway.) I am fucking kicking a certain friend in the vag when I get home. This is all her fault.

Well I ditched the conference after lunch today, and I am fixing to have to head back and drink a few six dollar beers by the pool before getting dressed to got out on the town. Oh, speaking of the pool that reminds me...I saw some lesbians skinny dipping in our pool last night about 1:30 am. Just for the record these are NOT the lesbians one imagines when fantasizing about lesbians. Forget every lesbian porno you have seen. These were burly trucker lesbians. Well one of them was; she looked like Chewbacca. She was about six feet tall and had the most terrible body I believe I have ever seen. The other looked like Gollum. Yeah imagine that. What a beautiful site their love making must be. Anyway, I just thought I would share the trauma with you all so I won't have nightmares tonight.

Warning Book Talk Follows. Do not read if you are afraid of having another book to read.

Everyone HAS to read The Golems of Gotham by Thane Rosenbaum. I know I recommend books a lot but I have been reading this one off and on while on the plane and here in Boca. It is a fabulous book. I cannot tell you how well it is written. Rosenbaum is magic with words. I am not even remotely exaggerating. Fabulous.

Coming to you live from scenic Boca Raton, Florida...

Well I made it to Boca alive, and well. Last night we kind of got in late, so K and I spent the night swimming in the pool. Let me go on record as saying they have WAY too much chlorine in that pool, but MAN, IS THE POOL AREA FUCKING FABULOUS! I could not con K into having a few drinks, but that is what I get for trying to party with a Church of Christ Minister. However, the conference starts today, and I am sitting at FAU finishing my conference paper, blogging, and checking emails. A two mile trek in 90 degree weather with 100% humidity is a fucking fantastic way to begin the day.

This afternoon I have a reception to meet other people at the conference so hopefully I can find the other two "drunk motherfuckers" here to party. I miss my other two wisemen. I haven't been to the beach yet but it is a situation I intend to rectify tomorrow morning. I think I may try to find the "local college hot spot" tonight and see if I can find some people to party with if the MELUS folk. A quick aside on the whole MELUS CONFEFERNCE BEING A GREAT CONFERENCE MYTH: I am having a bit of trouble finding a panel that I can even lie about attending much less actually sit through. This makes me more than a bit nervous about finding two "drunk motherfuckers" to party with. If not I will just lurk around college bars until I find someone to party with. What would be awesome is if we had a KA house around here. I would show up there. Anyway, tomorrow the beach. I think I will just go and post up. I mean the pictures look ab fab so I think going it alone with a six pack would be acceptable if nothing else.

Anyway, more tomorrow from scenic Boca Raton, Florida.

PS: One interesting note. While this is a multi-ethnic literature conference I have not seen one minority outside of Cubans here. It is a bit disconcerting after coming from the melting pot o' Commerce. An African American gentlemen sitting behind me at the computer lab is the onlyh minority I have seen. However, he is talking about "getting the fuck back to Miami" as quickly as possible. He says they have "no brothers here" and he is not "feeling the flava of FAU." He says he will have to "teach these cats some basketball if he attends here." He also does not feel that he is "up to that yo." The reason I am able to so easily over hear his conversation is because he is "TALKING AT FUCKING MAXIMUM VOLUME ON A CELL PHONE IS A FUCKING QUIET AREA." Fucking dick.

Productivity is... Up?

I had a very productive day today. I am so proud of myself. Things I did today:

1. Woke up at 5:15 and was up and in the office by six a.m. I did not really feel all that bad because I have noticed if I just let my body fall asleep, and wake up on its own schedule, (fall asleep around 12:30ish and wake up around 5 am I feel pretty good. The trick is not laying in bed tossing and turning until sevenish, or trying to force myself to sleep earlier than my body says.) I went to the office and from 6-12 I graded about 25 6-8 page research papers. I have a blister on my freaking middle finger if you would like to see. It looks something like this. I won't say that this is the best string of comments on papers I have ever written but the students made it extra easy to pick stuff to comment on by not listening to a single fucking word I have said all semester. It is a good feeling to know that your class may suck but it is no direct result of anything you have done. When you have spent hours pouring over MLA style, and they still refuse to cite a freaking source, or include a works cited then you know you may teach at an open enrollment university that will admit anyone.

2. Responded to everyone's reading journals today in my Literacy course (I had already read the book and written the journal last night.) I was very pithy and witty if I do say so myself. I even worked in some cool obscure 80's movies references, and a reference to a obscure 70's disco track. I am the fucking MASTER. I think I really was at the top of my game in those responses. Although I am sure another grad student will take my responses way too seriously or try to be funny and fuck the whole thing up by cranking the gay-o-meter to 12.5, and sending the thing down in flames.

3. Finished the majority of my thesis revisions. The grad school said to check my situational comma usage, and D Rock is checking over some of the changes I made. I have to be honest here. I had a tenth grade grammar manual and I was mystified. It was embarrassing. I say FUCK GRAMMER. COMMA USUAGE YOUR ARE MY KRYPTONITE!!!! It was like the monkey's in Homer Simpson's head trying to solve the math problem. I did, however, fix many passive sentences and agreement mistakes. I felt vindicated that I could at least do that, so I am not a total retard. At this point I did a "readibility check" and it said I had 3% passive sentences. Of 17,000 words I can take that only 3% of the sentences are passive at this point, although, I do know the grad school and D Rock will find all freaking 3% of them and bitch moan.

4. Wrote my journal for Shakespeare. I wrote over the temporal and time in Macbeth. It is some pretty good shit. I think I really pegged what Mahood couldn't even say herself. It was on the trauma of timeless acts that lock you in "temporal here and now" with no past (it is undone by the act) and no future (it is prohibited by the act). I also talked about how time was natural and Macbeth turned the universe toward the unnatural and timelessness. Basically it was everything I said last when I was destroying J's presentation. Man I am really sorry about that I swear I as trying to help. It was like digging a grave because I just kept throwing dirt, and throwing dirt...

5. I also finished my conference paper for MELUS. Well almost finished. It is 13 pages. I still have to cut about a 1 1/2 before it will be ready to go. This was cool though because I forgot how much I really liked this paper when I started writing it. I switched the focus away from confession to confessionary binaries of sexuality, and man I must say I am excited about it. I think I am going to cut a lot of stuff that was suggested by my advisor and focus on the binaries at work in Roth. I think am I really on to something here. Good times, Good times. I sometimes forget that I am a pretty creative little critic, and that I can actually do this when left to my own devices. When I start listening to professors too much it takes the juice out of my writing. Not that they do not help but they prefer safe cookie cutter writing amongst graduate students most of the time.

So that is the jist of my day. I still have a lot to do tomorrow but I feel much better about the day. I think I am going to see if Little E wants to go ahead and stop at snuffer's for lunch and few cold ones tomorrow. I owe her big time for taking me to the airport, and I could tell she was not in the mood today for my stories about friday night. Everyone is kind of tense because it is the end of the semester. I should have waited until she was in a better mood and not in the writing center before teasing her about her callling a few dinosaurs in the old bathtub-a-roo.

Things to do tomorrow:

1. Wake up and meet the hippie (KP) at 9 am so he can cash two checks for me before I leave for Boca Raton. We both have checks from KA to cash, and if I sign mine over to him I won't have to pay since I do not have a bank in The Merce.

2. Go to the Chi Omega Teacher Luncheon tomorrow at 11. I am not sure who invited me to this thing but I have a sneaking suspicion who it is. If it is who I think it is I will be a very happy little boy. Plus I can revisit old memories of my wild and woolly undergrad days while there. Good Times, Good Times.

3. Read for Shakespeare. I am still not sure I am actually going to do this. J and Little E aren't presenting so I feel no real obligation to read. Although I would be devastated if I missed the last opportunity to crush Spidey before I graduate. I have to admit I can probably do this without reading because I know tons of shit about Shakespeare to bring in if I can't actually talk about the reading. Plus I know how to do this without seeming like a plagiarising little fuck ass. Any hoo I have not read Antony and Cleopatra since I was like 19 so it I need the refresher.

4. Answer questions that Donna sent out today over the book we are reading this week and discussing online. That will be a joy.

5. Pick up dry cleaning and finish packing.

Then off to scenic Boca Raton, FL. I need to print off a copy of the program so I can at least lie about some sessions I will be attending...

The picture says it all.

Dilemma, Dilemma, Dilemma.

I have recently developed a problem I have never had before. It is this: I don't really have anything to do. I have done the research for my final papers and I they both are more than half way written. I am also working on my conference paper for MELUS next week but that is mostly done also. So until I take up research papers tomorrow in my English 102 course I am just kind of "sitting pretty." Everyone is crapping their pants because of all the work they have to do and all I can say is :)~~~~~~.

The main concern I have now is securing fundage for my trip to Boca Raton. For I am much like the little man in this pic. I have no money to my name at the moment. I gave my fiancee $200 bucks to hold for this trip and I should get $50 from STD in travel funds before we leave on wednesday. Hopefully that will be enough money to pay my portion of the hotel room, and still mange to find a way to get retarded on the beach. I am looking forward to this little trip but I wish I had planned a bit better so I would have more money to party on. Oh well. It is not like I lead a fabolous life where I can party on an unlimited budget. $800 bucks a month does not lead to a lavish lifestyle when you have a car payment and credit card debt.

I am also beginning to worry a bit on the ol' job front. I have not been contacted yet with the offer I thought to be a forgone conclusion. The longer the time with no offer does not bode well for me. It seems that before they were sure that I should get the job but now some sort of situation has arisen to make them reconsider. It is weird because a month ago it was such a sure thing but now it is so up in the air. I am going to start applying for jobs adjuncting that are just now coming open. Hopefully I will land something.

A Really Good Day

"For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 6:23).

Just returned from Easter Weekend and "Son"rise service at Melton Rock in Eustace, Texas. Melton Rock is a giant rock formation that looks like Golgotha or Calvary Hill (same joint where Christ was crucified but it has different names depending on denomination/language). This is my second year at Melton Rock for Easter and I have to say it is soul inspiring. I tried to find some pictures online to share the look of the place but I cannot describe how much it makes me think of Golgotha where Christ was crucified.

This joint has a strange mix of sand, grass, and trees that give a wilderness look strait out of the 10 Commandments. When the wind blows you just feel the presence of the Lord. I actually felt like there were angels present on the rock, and that they were rejoicing in our celebration of our Lord Jesus Christ's Resurrection. It reminded me of the angels who spoke to Mary after the resurrection when the disciples when looking for Jesus because their first instinct at coming into contact with something divine was to bow before them. As the Gospel of Luke states, "Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed there about, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments: And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen" (Luke 24:1-7). To be honest if I were one of those three ladies who had come to search for Jesus and saw two angels I would have probably hit the deck also. I always love that line, "Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here but is risen." It never fails to give me the chills. I felt that way today. Like I need to hit the deck and bow before God and renounce my sins. I really believe that Jesus died for my sins and I always feel that I am poorly repaying the great deed he has done for me.

I also spent Saturday watching "The Ten Commandments" and grading papers. I love that movie. I used to watch in every Easter with my grandmother. My favorite part is where Moses casts down his staff and it turns into a snake, and pharaoh mocks it as a parlor trick, and has his magicians turn their staffs into snakes. Pretty cool until Moses' snake eats the other three snakes. As my man Luke says, "For with God nothing shall be impossible" (1.37). I always feel bad for pharaoh in that movie because he is always on the brink of doing the right thing and Nefrititi always mocks and scorns him and he hardens his heart. Things never go well for people who mock and refuse the power of the Lord.

The strange thing is that my weekend of Jesi-palooza has made me realize one thing: I need to find a new church. I like celebrating and rejoicing the Lord's work and I miss that sense of faith I felt all weekend. It is easy to become removed from the Lord's presence today and take on an "out of sight out of mind" mentality that makes you forget to work toward salvation. You get so used to immersing yourself in sin that the Lord seems to fade from your life, and I think when you immerse yourself in the Lord he is first and foremost in your life, and it is very hard to make him first and foremost without getting together with others to rejoice and celebrate the sacrifice Jesus made for us that day on Golgotha. I think God is hope, and without him in my life it feels very empty, and without a sense of meaning or purpose. It has been said that anyplace out of the sight of God is Hell, and I think I would concur with that statement. It is times like this weekend that I realize how far I fall from the sight of the Lord sometimes.

I leave you with this today from Romans, "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" (10.9-13). Amen.

North Carolina Should Be Called the Shit Bird State.

Just got in. Virginia was the shit. I think it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I see why Robert E. Lee couldn't bear to turn his back on the state, however, they can keep North Carolina. Honestly, who has a 50 mph speed limit on an interstate? I was in near homicidal road rage from the Virginia state line because I missed the Roanoke South 220 exit and went 50 miles in the wrong direction trying to return to the Airport in Greensboro. Everyone kept doing 50 on the highway and I was like "IF I MISS MY FLIGHT I AM FIGHTING THE WHOLE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA!!!!!!" I think I could just go door to door whooping ass. It would have been total carnage. How tough can they be? It is freaking North Carolina.

Lexington was amazing, though. I swear someone built it according to a Normal Rockwell Americana painting. I got in trouble for touching Lee's tomb (the crusaders sword hand) but I also got into trouble for the same thing at Canterbury Cathedral amongst other places, and I had decided before hand that I was willing to accept whatever consequences this might entail. Luckily I was the only KA in the room when I did it because the others were downstairs in the museum. Some 75 year old lady scolded me and said, "If everyone touches the tomb there won't be any tomb for people to see in the future." What the fuck ever. Like I give a shit about other people. I wanted to tell her "Lady, you obviously have NO idea who you are talking to." Besides like they wouldn't build another tomb. It is freaking ROBERT E. LEE and Virginia. Someone could rape an anatomically correct Jesus doll and not get into as much trouble as trashing Lee.

I think the interview went well but I won't know one way or another until next week. I am torn between thinking I did ok, and thinking I fucking just pissed a good job down my leg because I looked at the other four candidates, laughed and thought I could mail it in. Honestly, I think I did alright. They asked me questions from a script, and after the third question I guessed the next four in a row (what is your biggest strength, greatest weakness, most proud accomplishment, and who is the most influential person in your life). Me and my big ego.

However, when I was actually faced with the thought of maybe taking the job (or a better more highly paid job within KA) I was not nearly as excited as I thought I would be. To be honest I am not sure I want it. All I could think was how much I would miss being in the classroom. That and I was like "I will be working as an administrator for the next few years." That is cool for skinny dudes who know how to stand around drinking coffee looking important while telling everyone else to get to work but I am not sure I want to do actually do it. I don't know what I will say if they actually tell me I have the job. Freaking life. Always with the decisions. Sheesh.

Something to Celebrate

Well I turned the thesis into the graduate office today. I feel a sense of relief that I know will turn into a swift kick to crotchal area once I get the suggestions for revision back from the graduate school. Until then I am going to assume (I know what happens when people assume so stick the crappy joke in your ass) that everything is going to be A-okay.

My thesis advisor dragged his feet over the conclusion a little too much for my taste but then again he is a tad more anal than I am. I was like "I don't fucking care if it is gibberish just sign the fucking form, Anally Analston!" Geesh, and if that wasn't bad enough another professor would not sign the damn form on Friday because he wanted "to know I spent the weekend working on it."

If by "spent the weekend working on it" he meant "spend all day Thursday, part of Friday working on it, and then spend Saturday riding around in my dad's bad ass 49 Ford Coupe before going to the White Elephant Saloon, and getting smashed and watching a KA brother sing Texas Country songs while dancing with my fiancee" then mission accomplished.

Anyhow, he assured me that he would sign the form "first thing Monday morning." The note on his door this morning said "Dr. Liarson will not be in the office today, April 10, 2006." Prick. However the grad school didn't really give me any shit about it but told me to make sure he came by and signed the signature form when he returned to campus.

Tomorrow I am off to scenic Lexington, VA to interview for the KA job. I don't know how but in the last week and a half this went from "come up to Lexington to sign a few forms, and work out the details" to "come up to Lexington and interview for the position." Kind of makes me nervous. I felt much better about this right after Province Council.

However, my dad was cool as shit this weekend. I thought he had been mad at me over a shortfall of fundage on my part here recently, but that was quite to the contrary. He was actually just working his ass off trying to get his car running. He told me not to look for a "serious job" but to look for a job adjuncting in the mornings so I can make enough to pay my bills, and have little spending money. He said "I want you to have enough free time in the next year to restore your Harley. He actually said your, as in "T this is your bad ass motherfucking 70 model Sportster now. " He wants to have it running for Sturgis 2007 so that he and I can travel to Sturgis together as a father/son trip as part of my graduation present. I would have to postpone the graduate studies for a year but I could start a Ph.d program the next fall, still be on track, and have a bad ass bike. That's right...My fucking dad whips your dad's ass.

Now if I can only figure out a way to convince my fiancee that this is a REALLY good idea.

Anyway I have to get ready for bed. My flight leaves at 8:30 in the AM which means I have to leave The Merce by 5:30 a.m. or so. What a fucking Ass Whip. One good thing: I am terrified of flying and this pretty much guarantees my sleeping all the way through the flight. Hopefully I don't pull a Ross, sleep all the way to West Virginia, and wake up in a scene from Deliverance. I am going to Virginia after all. Pray for me...

The Sense of an Ending

Well I think my thesis is finished and ready to go to the graduate school office. I have to print it out and make sure all the formatting problems are straightened out and then turn it in on Monday. So I am seem one step closer to graduating. I just thought of something: I need a cap and gown. Might be important because I know my parents are going to make me walk. Boo that. Once was enough for me, however, I know if my brothers come to watch me walk then we will have one hell of a party the night before. I was smashed at my last two graduations because my brothers and I partied until like 5 am the night before. Good Times, Good Times.

I am struck by a profound sense of sadness at the thought of graduation, though. I have been in this town since Fall 2001, and made a lot of good friends here. This place now seems like home. It sucks to think I have to move on and leave all this behind. My girl and I are packing up some of my junk and taking it home to store at my house in K-Town today. It is mostly just books, movies, and non-essential materials that I don't want to be trying to load all this crap after graduation with a hangover so I am going to try to get all my stuff aside from the compy, TV, and Playstation taken home before then.

Things to get done in the next few days:

1. Get the thesis submitted on Monday. By far the most important thing right now.

2. Prepare a 5-10 minute presentation for Lexington. It can be over anything and I am leaning toward preparing a presentation on the moral history of Judas Iscariot but I am afraid people will be anti-judas and I don't want to alienate anyone. I think I may put together something on my thesis since it is fresh on my mind right now. I am leaing toward putting together something on Lee or Marshall.

3. Begin my research on my final papers for Shakespeare and Literacy. I know what I am going to write over (Bassanio as a questing hero in the Merchant of Venice and My Families literate history) but I think I need some scholarly sources. For some reason profs seem to bag on papers that are only opinion and contain no secondary sources.

4. Visit with my dad today. He wants to show me his near completed 49 ford coupe (It still needs paint and interior but it is up and running). I am kind of excited that he is finally finishing the black pearl (his name for the car) because he said when I moved back home and he finished the car we would restore his 70 model Harley sportster for my graduation present. I have always wanted that motorcycle since I was a kid, and I am really looking forward to fixing it up and riding it.

I "mastered" the defense

Well one hoop jumped through just a few more to go before graduating. I successfully defended my thesis yesterday, and contrary to certain reports I did MUCH better than the other graduate student who defended on Monday. After her defense their was some sentiment from senior faculty that she shouldn't pass because of lack of critical evidence. However, I flew through with flying colors. Plus I did not get any "whiffle ball" questions as a member of her committee stated that she did. Certain professors were out for blood at my defense but I gave as good as I got. Now onto the revisions and the grad school hoopla.

There has been an ongoing debate as to the cruelness of certain comments made about a certain member of one of our graduate courses. Here is my take (although I am sure I have already made this clear in other comments): He is a two bit plagiarist who steals other's ideas. As if that is not enough he also wears spiderman shirts. This guy should be getting torn to shreds from all sides. Honestly, what 25 year old man wears novelty t shirts? When you wear those type of shirts you are begging for one of two things: 1) To be taken to the bathroom and given a swirly or at the very least given a giant wedgy 2) To be mocked and scorned like the comic book man on the Simpsons. Both of which are acceptable punishments for his immature lack of judgment.

Other's have also made reference to the she male in our class and I am intrigued. I am intrigued because I am not sure who people are referring too. I have an idea but there are a couple of people in that class I might refer to as "she males" for different reasons. While I am not sure I can produce venom for these ladies I would like to be let in on who you are referring too.

***********************UPDATE 2:43 P.M.*******************************

I now know who the she male is in our class. While I do acknowledge her condecension toward certain members of this class, I have never been the focus of said condecension, I do not have the venom for her that everyone else seems to share. To modify a quote by Bill the Butcher "She is neither cold nor hot. So because she is lukewarm, I feel no need to spew venom at her from my mouth." However, next class if I notice condecension I will then begin the "Destroy the She Male campaign."

Why do I put up with this shit?

Most days I really enjoy being a graduate student. I love having class, talking about books, I even enjoy writing papers and look forward to the days when I can write papers about the topics I choose. However, today was one of those days that I asked myself repeatedly why do I put up with this shit? Please allow me to elaborate.

I am sitting in my office today. I was writing a paper on literacy surveys I conducted about my families literacy habits/acquisition. It was a rolling along smoothly and I was actually enjoying my brother's vastly different point of view on the importance of literacy. He believes that being able to read and write does not matter and that you are, in fact, better off not knowing how to read. Let's just say he believes ignorance is bliss on a certain level. I realize I am grossly misrepresenting his view of literacy with that statement but his opinion of literacy is tangential to this story. Anyway, imagine a happy zewell cool cranking out his homework listening to Kanye West's "Touch the Sky." A very catchy tune by the way.

I hear a tap on the door, thanking it is a student I shout, "Come in." In walks a professor who has read my thesis. He is holding a bunch of post-it notes stuck together. On it is written a crappy little poem which he proceeds to stick to the monitor of my computer. Several lines of of a poem written from about five or so different words. It did not make all that much sense to me but of course I have to play along and ask "What is this?" He says, "That is my ode to your thesis." I am either dumbfounded or just plain disinterested at this point so I say, "Alright" and stare at him blankly. He says those are the words that are repetitive in your thesis so I decided to write you a poem. I was taken aback so I look at the post it notes more closely. It has the words truth, confession, sexuality and like three articles/pronouns written and rewritten to make a shitty little poem. He says, "You see how the same words used and reused can be repetitive?"

I pause for a moment but before I can think I grab the poem and wad it up, and toss it in the trash can, and say "Thanks for pointing that out." He seems a little shocked by this action, and says awkwardly "Didn't you like it?" At this point I have a strange mix of fear, anger, and repulsion brewing. I am trying to control my natural reaction to lash out viciously because I am very close to graduating and I don't want to torpedo my graduation two days before my defense. So I choke down my rage and staring at the trash can without looking at him I say "Yeah it was very clever" and then I look directly at him and say, "Kudos." I sit looking at him angrily without speaking. It begins to dawn on him I do not find this remotely funny. He looks almost jellied out like he realizes his poor attempt at humor has not only bombed but that it has bombed so spectacularly that it might even be a bit dangerous. I stare him intently and say "Is that all? If so I have a paper to write, and I really need to get back to work." He says, "yeah...uh that was it. Um... Think about trying to..uh..cut down on some of that...you know...repeated word use." He never looks at me again before walking out of the door.

I sat there looking at the computer for what seemed like eternity choking down the impulse to either walk next door and blast him verbally or just throw him a beat down. I had a strange mix of fear and shame going that I haven't felt since I was a kid when I used defend my father for all the abuse he used to throw my way. To my credit (or discredit I cannot decide which) I never said a word. I sat there like a bitch and acted professional. Ten years ago I would have beat him down, thrown him out of the second floor window, and walked out of here with my head held high, and no regrets. I have found myself wondering all day what has happened to me?

I am so angry but part of me thinks I may have overreacted to his little poem. The English major in me thinks I should have found it clever and played along. But the real person in me knows that it was a petty, shitty, little backhanded way of taking a shot at me by a very small man. How could anyone think something like that was funny knowing a person had spent the better part of a year working on this project, and would be very sensitive to such a petty joke? I should have just told him "Next time why don't you try circling the words and writing repetitive in the margins you fucking dick."

I have wondered all day long why I put up with this shit. Being a professor doesn't even pay well. I could make more money going home and starting my own construction company or working as a contractor. I could coach high school football and be making 85,000 in four years as an athletic director/head coach. I know there are assholes like this guy in every profession but I think I should at least be compensated well for dealing with their all their bullshit. It was so insulting and degrading that I really do not even care if I graduate anymore.

I am not really sure what hurts most at this point: the fact that I did not say anything, or the fact that his poem was so insulting and hurtful? I know this: Whichever, I think my defense just got a lot more interesting.