The Death of Friendship and Other Musings

After hearing a friend's story about her venting in an email and then sending said email to the wrong person--the person she was venting about--I began to wonder what people say about me in email/person behind my back. I would like to think that although I can be a difficult person to deal with at times that for the most part I am a pretty good friend. I don't put down my friends (I am not talking about jokingly ribbing friends. I mean the meanspirited I really don't like that person type putting down.) and I do not let other people talk negatively about my friends while I am around.

Loyalty is one the things I value most. I think you should defend your friends when others are putting them down even to point of fisticuffs. I defend my friends and I expect them to defend me the same way. I think that is what friendship is about: knowing that a person has your back no matter what and that you can count on them to defend you honor when you are not there to defend it yourself. I have always figured most of the gossip about me behind my back is more by other envious co-workers and less by my so called friends. However, I have recently found that not to be the case.

There is something deeply hurting about hearing two people you consider to be close friends putting you down in the next room that really destroys your ability not to care what other people think about you. While out and about the other night I heard two people I consider very close to me making remarks like "Man fuck him" and "that guy is such an asshole." You know I am not a sensitive guy to say the least but I do have feelings and I have to admit it was a very shitty feeling to overhear someone who had spent a good deal of time at lunch earlier that day telling you how you are one of their best friends run you down to another one of your friends. People should really be careful what they say because walls can be really thin.

The really sad part about it is that I actually believed that person when they said that we would be friends for a really long time, and I really did think they were a really good friend, and I thought I would be friends with that person for a long time. Now it has become one of those "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then" situations. A part of me feels like I am glad I know how they really feel so that I know they are not really a friend, but the bigger part of me wishes I had never heard it and wishes I could go back to feeling like we were friends again. It also has made me paranoid about other friends to the point where I wonder if conversations like this have gone on with other friends. I know people are going to say "fuck it, who cares what that asshole thinks about you?" I have to admit I have said similar things in similar situations but it is always easier when you are not the person who has been stabbed in the back. I am sure this type of stuff happens to people all the time, but I have never heard some one trashing me first hand like that. I guess I have been sheltered or that I have been blessed with some really good friends for the most part.

Oh well fuck it "ob la de ob la da life goes on he nah nah life goes on." Like the good book says, "this too shall pass" and it will. I am out of here in May and I will move back closer to my brothers. At least when they run me down they will say it to my face like a real friend. Plus I do know I have a few friends who do not engage in this type of behavior. I also have to admit I am beginning to like the whole blog thing. It has a whole confessional aspect to it that can be really relieving.

For record the last episode of Lost was a real let down. I was expecting some sort of reaction relating to what Kate found on the last episode and not some random episode about Sun being pregnant. What a downer. I am still waiting for them to kill this Henry Gail cat, and get that over with. I have to admit I think that he is not an other and that Said will be proved wrong and it will be an eye opening experience that leads to some sort of soul searching on his part and that is cool and all but I want to know what the hell is going on with the Dharma Corporation and the others. What the hell is the hatch doing on this Island?

Anyway I am going to take a hot bath and read for several hours and then watch the Longhorns go 3-17 from the 3 point line while choking in the Tourney and losing to West Virginia. That is just what I need: Another reason to be a sullen bastard. I love the Horns and I am going to be a very unhappy boy when the eventually lose during March Madness. I have to admit, however, I think this is the least I have ever cared about an NCAA Tournament. I think it is the parity and the fact there are no real powerhouses in this tournament. At least last year we had Illinois/UNC to look forward too. This year the only thing we can look forward too is Morrison versus Redick in the best "porn star wannabe contest." It will be the porn star stash versus the shocker. I wonder if Morrison realizes how laughingly bad that stash is. It is so ugly that it is cool, and you have admire him for having the balls to sport it.

I also think a post about Blood Meridian is forthcoming. It is the first book I have really enjoyed reading in a very long time. I strongly suggest that you read it. I must admit that I agree with Harold Bloom when he says it may be the "quintessential American novel" and "clearly the major esthetic achievement of any living American writer." I can't recommend this book strongly enough.